familia.

family is truly absurd.
here we are, thrust into a circle of those supposedly the closest to us, only to find ourselves less than understood and far from brotherhood. in fact, it is the painful push of family that drives too many into despair. why are we responsible for our own? why should we be held accountable for one who simply shares our dna, our roots, when in actuality, we are enemies. fiercely.

this is the time of year for joy, eggnog, and excessive paper use. yet, i feel less happy than i did during those other 364 days. we've forgotten jesus. wait. what am i saying? christmas is less about jesus than it is about jedis. but we've forgotten emotion. emotion is our ticker, heartbeat, it controls our ins and outs, our whats and whys. when we sacrifice it for a day of family, we are giving up a day of our lives.

my family is unique, to say the least. i do not claim to have the worlds "anythingst" family, or whatnot, but we surely do not belong in the same room together. you have, and in no particular order:

the biggot with a high IQ and little regard for it's presence
the biggot's girlfriend, whose mere existence contradicts that of her other
the bitter one who tries to buy happiness while melting into a sea of molasses, while completely denying the properties of molasses
the down and out who wants desperately to be the opposite of down and out, but refuses to find a path that leads to that tree
the lost hope who is waiting to die, and finally using that waiting time wisely

and me.
well, you should know at least my words, which gives you enough information to form a poorly developed and underilned sentence about me.

i argue for the sake of winning said argument. which is why i refuse to walk that line unless i know the outcome will match my sake. you won't find me often on that line, absorption is much more educational.

i get my education by listening. by taking in the masses, and throwing out that which dilutes the topic at hand. then i know. or i believe. read back, know=believe=thereisnorebuke

my mother is at work. it is 12:38am on christmas eve. i do not like this fact. however, my mother is not the only one, and with separation of church and state as i believe it should be deciphered, i should think. fine. of course. it's a job. somehow, i am still disturbed.

maybe it's that i believe that one day, as bland as possible, should be set aside as a day for rest. once a year, everything should stop. in fact, once a week would be nice. who needs celery on a wednesday anyway? i don't.

the musings that are passing through my overgrown hair right now are stopping short of fulling mingling within my brain. it's that feeling of assuredness without a clue of what the comfort is. i somewhat enjoy this feeling, for small glimses leave me forever with shining light, and never complication.

there is a beautiful girl waiting for me, and i cannot fulfill that finale. that is very surely a frustrating feeling. far too much of my life is spent contrary to my core.

this is one of those times.
must paint on the circus face.