not quite sure. about anything.

is it because i'm alone? is it because i have nobody who first relies on me? do i have a place to go? do i have a place anywhere? yeah. no family. no home. the only one who knows me has stopped speaking to me. for my own good, she thinks. wait, i made that up, but that's what i believe. she's the one place i could turn, and she no longer exists for me. and that fucking hurts. puts me back in that place that she pulled me out of. that idea that i have nothing nobody no reason that i am simply a pawn in the scheme and not helping anyone. thank you for pulling me out of that place. fuck you for putting me back where i started.

heartless? me? so far from. so fucking far from. i have so much. love. to give. and nobody to concentrate it upon. sure, i can project that love and shine it so that it touches even those whom i have never seen. but i have a special saved portion. that i have always had. and always kept. for somebody. i gave it away once. it was broken and torn and thrown away, but it's back. it's ready to be utilized. i want somebody to give it to. all of it. so concentrated and deep that nothing else will be needed but that love. that's what i want. even if i never get any of it back. i want to give it. all. to someone. feel like i'm wasting my time that i could be giving it. right now. with nobody to give it to. with nothing important in my life. but my ideas. and that hope of what i might be doing for somebody in the future. can't let it die. can't leave this Earth without knowing that magic that i know exists between two people who give their everything to the other.

so much to do in this lifetime. so many beautiful things to do. beautiful people to know. beautiful ideas to explore. but that beauty. when expressed in the name of another. with another. for another. is more than just beautiful. it's that magic. that will sustain me.