white america

is intimidating.
is happy.
is daunting.
is staggering.
is so culturally backwards it makes me want to vomit.

i went to the rodeo tonight. for the second time in a week. i mean, i was raised in white america, i grew up watching NASCAR and golf and fishing specials. why did i feel so fucking out of place? well. i know this answer. but do you? can you picture me there? in my cowboy hat, wranglers and boots, doing my best to fit in, look like them, walk like them, tip my hat like them. shit. i even start to talk like them an hour into the show. i stand for the star spangled banner sung by laura lee anderson from sparks, nevada. i bow my head with the rest of them in prayer for the cowboy whose life was cut short by a texas longhorn run amuck. so why? why can i feel their eyes? why can i feel their judgement? i feel like nobody's smile or curteous ma'am is genuine. is it my color? no. my hair? no. lots of cowgirls wear their hair short. my sexuality? no. they don't think in those terms. in that setting. me with a pretty family and all.

it's the energy. the fucking energy. the second that car parked and i stepped out onto the soft dirt, ready to watch a show the same as everyone else, i felt it. in my heart. in my stomach. goosebumps. man. my soul knows too much sometimes. isn't empirical experience good for anything anymore? haha. my soul reads too closely. sees too accurately. sometimes i wish it didn't. sometimes i wish that i could just go to that rodeo. and not feel white america's big blue eye calling me out in the form of bad energy. i'd almost rather somebody yell dyke! so i could at least right the wrong. and defend myself. if i know i'm walking in a see full of fish i can't speak to- or know- or attempt to know... am i in the wrong sea? or should i seek out that fellow straggler?

i know it's safe. keeping with the people i feel comfortable around. in the cities and towns and places where the positive overcomes all else in the world. where i feel that internal smile. that smile so big that others catch on, and they smile, too. that fucking infectious energy that i know exists around me. and in me. and in others i surround myself with. but who, then? who? am i helping? saving? reaching out for? is it my duty? is that why i feel it all of the time? is that why i am wholly incapable of walking through life as it's put in front of me why i cannot cannot stomach indifference why i look into others' eyes searching not for answers but questions?

i don't know. but for now. i am sad. sad that the little children i saw tonight in boots and chaps and cowboy hats will never know what is out there unless they have that secret out of their soul. unless they discover it themselves. because there. in hayfield wyoming and elks utah and wikieup arizona, nobody will open that windowshade for them. they will never have a map to discovery. their children. and their children. and their children. are the only hope. that one day this beautiful country. will not fill twenty thousand seats. with uncomfortable souls.