she called me and said...

she called me and said 'let's experiment.'

i said 'ok.'

but i only say that because i know she'll have fun.

i won't. but i'll pretend.
like always.
that it's magical.

is that fair?
to pretend to enjoy something that should be intimate, meaningful, pure?
sure, i think so. as long as transparency is not part of the equation.

'plan something you've always wanted to do,' she told me.
i wanted to say 'no. i don't want to. that exists with someone unlike yourself.'

i can't really enjoy things sexual unless it's with that person. that i crave. adore. need.
anything or anyone other than that is, well, boring. for me. fun to please another, of course. but for me--useless.

so i might as well, right? useless things to me are not useless if not for the other as well. so why not? and keep waiting. for that time when time really does stand still. for both.