where am i

or what? down? out? weak? tired?
or fucking energized anxious seeking and scared?
i can't tell right now. i can't tell much of anything. i can't sleep anymore, i know that.
but this is nothing new in my life, so maybe i shouldn't take note. but wait! always take note! always see things for what they are, which is usually that which we overlook. if i could only turn my eyes to everything standing clearly i would lose this torment. sole possibility, of course. though it's worth a try. if i stop goddamn trying so hard to see things. to hear things. to know things about me. and you. and all of us. maybe they'd be there presenting to me everything i question. maybe that's how the game works. if i look, i overlook. if i don't, i will never see. i have yet to find the balance, fill the void, stop the anger. stop the anger. why does it feel so satisfying to have pain? to know we are alive? to know we breathe and laugh and work for a reason? to remind us that things are always up if the direction down exists? i know i do it for those reasons. amongst others. and maybe one day. one bright, rainy, warm day. i'll look up to the sky and know that's the reason that i'm here. to see the sky. and to believe in something. to believe in someone. but for now. constant testing. to remind myself. i am alive! i can feel! and it is not always as bad as, well, it could be! maybe it's an excuse. i know that most things i do serve some sort of excuse. for myself. my lack. my lack of truth that i present to the world. my lack of confidence in my self. my. self. why? why must it always come back to us? how fucking selfish are we wired to be? or is that just another one of my shortcomings? and your shortcomings? or maybe a gift, this self-reflection. maybe a true gift. i know somewhere in here. in here. that i know others through knowing myself. and i like it. yeah. simple words today. saying it straight today. or forward if you prefer the word. contextual, isn't it? life, that is. smiles, that is. words, that is. i'm here. i'm healthy. i have fun. enough. enough. enough. not enough. not ever fucking enough. until the day i believe that first cadence i will believe the latter. the fucking latter. because. for me. now. there is not enough. and i know it's waiting. i just don't know how line this line i'm standing in stretches. it turns the corner down on 3rd street. maybe it ends there. maybe it bends again. i will see. but until then. never enough. never there. there. there. if you find it, let me know what it's like. i enjoy mental pictures for future comparison. good luck. good day. goodnight.