aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

can't function right now. maybe it's the absence of order, maybe it's the absence of pure chaos, and i've never been here before. where everything is in perfect rhyme and reason and falls so into place that i feel no pockets of air trying to fill the space between me and myself but can find absolutely no time to embrace it. that's a blatant, flagrant lie. i just can't find enough. i want more. i crave more. and i think this appatite is consuming me. it's not allowing me to do the everyday everything. the bullshit that we create to fill an empty life. create. fabricate. jesus christ we have it in us, already, people! we have to create nothing! we need to utilize that which was created for us, in us, that hungry ready and waiting life that many let die before allowing its birth. i want to find that island that isolated escape where wind whistles and sun dances and hers is the only voice that crowds my mind. that place where books are fun and games are dangerous and smiles are unafraid to show themselves when warranted. i want these doors to fly open and these walls to collapse collapse around me opening up my world for me. and every me who yearns to be free. i am set free. i have been set free. but feel, sitting here, in this tan/beige/colorless cubicle that these walls are surely not meant for inclement weather protection. but for confinement. for repression of imagination. so that when i leave, i go home, i get in the car, things start looking up.
i abhor the idea that we must create evil to see good. we must start below so that the rise is all the more majestic. everything can be majestic. each of us can live this way. with every moment catapulting us to a new realm of understanding of ourselves as one body and our lives as one story.
.........

i am afraid. this is what i am telling you. i am afraid that tomorrow will not come and i will have left too much unsaid too much underexamined too few brought above. and i should not fear for that is contrary to the idea of living now. but how do i live in each now if not in fear of the next now robbed? i struggle. i struggle with the idea of now. and that right now. right. now. i am speaking too much of now and tomorrow and what may have been yesterday and i am forgetting that now that just past and the now of this moment. i must be a better teacher to my mind. i must teach it to feel each given moment and gain. gain from each all that i can. so much is surrounding me right now. in this room. wherever i wander. and i fear that i neglect it. that goddamn third eye blind. i must open.
..........

on the topic of fear. it should not exist.
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but it does! why must we build castles couple with moats and white knights around our souls? why is it so foreign to let the only one who truly belongs inside, in? not foreign, for foreign implies misunderstanding, mistrust and unknowing, and surely this is furthest from any Truth. but for me. i did not forsee the princess feeling the pea so early in the night. so i slept. soundly. and now must awake! allow! accept! thank the keeper that no longer does my soul have to search. it can rest and thrive and be. just. be. i become bitter often that i have capabilities. that i am capable of being. because i can't. we are not allowed just yet. to be. you said it last night and i fully agreed but i argued the counter purposefully. i wonder if you know that. i feel honest. and that's new, too. i am perhaps afraid of that, as well. suddenly my clothes have been burned and my skeleton radiated and i cannot be who i have created for everybody else. perhaps i fear that. but i know. that it is the most positive fear that may exist. perhaps i will embrace it and i will allow it to spill out to others and i will, for once and for all, be. who i am to be. for humankind. perhaps you are my gateway not only unto myself but for the world. perhaps this fear is fleeting for the greatness that will come of this portal you have exposed for me will slingshot my dreams onto my doorstep. and for that i have too many words. for you i have too many words. and as per usual,
i will end here because from here
words are not essential
for understanding
anything further.