those talks that bring you under

so i had one of those talks tonight.
conversations.

that pulled me back under. to that place where i hate to exist. i can't live there anymore. yet i still travel.
talking about that place puts me back there.
so maybe i forget about it? stop thinking about that me. so much of me that is me that is everything me and let it go? let it die? i need it. i need that me. to remind me what it is i am right now. to let me never to forget that pain. always keep the pain. so that joy is never lacking intensity. must always appreciate. that's what my heart tells me.

but my brain says let it go. try to shed that hurt that pain that thing that is the most raw most real me. forget it. and find happiness through those things which i have yet to discover.
and i want to agree.

but my heart has a brain of its own. i am no help.