new found rage

maybe not new
but new returned
new to me for this day
and maybe new to you altogether
if you have yet to know me here, here i am
and i'll take you full-strength if you so choose
but maybe i'll dampen it for your first time around

nothing from our World makes me want to continue here
can i not step back and simply observe for awhile?
i have learning to do, but nobody gives me the space to learn
always do be here now in the physical everything that makes me
so fucking crazy
because i just want to sit.
and think.
and take in my world as i so choose it to exist

but i suppose these things and people and senses that we allow ourselves to endulge in
will always and have always -- won me over
i should come clean now
wash my hands
and tell you
that i do like this physical world
and its busy crazy fuckedup rush-ed-ness
that is contrary to everything we should be endulging in for our short stay
but i contribute
and relish
and need
those things that i so want to destroy and cast away from my life

so fuck it.
contr a diction
constantly
so for now right now in this moment fleeting never to return but in the eyes of these words
placed here only now and not then or today
i have no answer
for myself
no question to begin the search
twisted and demolished into indistinguishalbe parts, i am right now
so i can't be rage or fear or love or happiness
i can only be
it that appears right now
and hope that it aides in untangling this me
to show me once again
how to be
me

and be ok with it.

baby spin it off

right off of you to me i'll take it
and hurl it off into the great unknown
though i know of it now

__________________________

take that thing in you that makes you unlike the you i've seen you to be
and just spin it off baby spin it off
right off of you to me i'll take it
and throw it away in the endless pile of things gone and unremembered
though i'll remember

__________________________

give me that tear and i'll assure it won't return
unless you want it to
then i'll give it back and never speak of it again
though i'll think of it

__________________________

give me that beauty and i'll keep it in a box for you
frame it if you wish
show you how to step back and see it
see it
for the first time
and you may not realize the first time
that it is your beauty that stares back at you
though i will

__________________________







[stuck in this whirlwind, nearing the dropoff and not seeing that there is a guardrail, 'so never fear.' walk closely, if you like, but please don't jump. the wall is only 2 feet tall. you can hurdle it with relative ease if you wish, but i'll hold your hand so you feel no need.]

drifting into mystery?

or so i might describe my state
so disillusioned by this path i've taken right now
i don't want to stay the course
but the work it would take to return to the fork to start anew may cause me to forget which path i started upon in the first place

so i'll stay
maybe i'll sit down right here
in this pile of brown leaves
and play in them for while.

maybe i'll light them on fire and see if it engulfs the forest
i don't think it will
the leaves are damp, afterall, and i know i'll be unsuccessful

so i'll sit in them. maybe build a wreath for a friend who needs a hug and no arms of mine can reach so far but the leaves, the same here as there can easily take the place -- the Earth, afterall, knows more about her than i do.

maybe i'll find a potatobug here, too. maybe i'll pick it up and stare at its little round body and wonder why i didn't become that instead of ---
me.

is that more pressing than why i didn't become him or her or us collectively, though? or is my problem that i just can't see why this me i became has been reduced to sitting in these leaves pondering mine and my friend potatobug's existence. ??

i laugh because i often punctuate a question with a period. clearly i know that the question is a statement, an affirmative. maybe this is a portrayal of my need for reassurance from you. you who knows my answer- to tell me- though i've already answered- that my answer is sound.

back to that concept of drifitng
sifting
through something in you
that's made me clear myself of excess i do not require
i am still wholly me
without those things removed from the wire

when i get this air pushed violently through my lungs
i realize
that i have not breathed fully in months
remember
what pure air feels like filled with a smile that can't help but creep into my face
when i breathe that breath
powered by the force you have applied
i thank that clear air
and you
and myself for reassuming my free comfortable self.

it's you

i wait on this corner every night
the bitter cold making me hate every part of you
you make me wait here

i cannot make myself leave this cold
__________________________


i wake to dancing every morning
in my motionless body
dancing with the thought of you
it's you
always you


_________________________

i am never quite sure how you rouse this me in me

many days i wish to suppress you in me
to suppress you in me would be to abolish the me in me

i cannot do that
metahysically or otherwise
so i'll keep you around

__________________________

see how much convincing it took?
for the pain you cause me to be nothing but a side-effect of your beauty?
i see it all clearly in my mind
fortunately none of us rational people take heed to that mind i refer to
fortunately

___________________________

in honesty, however,
i know not you who causes this in me
nor do i ask it of you to cause in me
any of these effects from your cause
but i do ask of you
who causes anything in me
to knock on my door
i'll gladly invite you in.

________________________