why the stumble, you ask?

you must know more than i.
i really haven't the slightest. it hurts. so deep. so raw. no relief. nowhere to turn.
but how?
smile on my face.
energy abounding.
life moving in that direction i've so pointed it. or at least lightly encouraged.

waiting

until it ends. all of it.
pull out of it.
get away.
run away.

those talks that bring you under

so i had one of those talks tonight.
conversations.

that pulled me back under. to that place where i hate to exist. i can't live there anymore. yet i still travel.
talking about that place puts me back there.
so maybe i forget about it? stop thinking about that me. so much of me that is me that is everything me and let it go? let it die? i need it. i need that me. to remind me what it is i am right now. to let me never to forget that pain. always keep the pain. so that joy is never lacking intensity. must always appreciate. that's what my heart tells me.

but my brain says let it go. try to shed that hurt that pain that thing that is the most raw most real me. forget it. and find happiness through those things which i have yet to discover.
and i want to agree.

but my heart has a brain of its own. i am no help.

she called me and said...

she called me and said 'let's experiment.'

i said 'ok.'

but i only say that because i know she'll have fun.

i won't. but i'll pretend.
like always.
that it's magical.

is that fair?
to pretend to enjoy something that should be intimate, meaningful, pure?
sure, i think so. as long as transparency is not part of the equation.

'plan something you've always wanted to do,' she told me.
i wanted to say 'no. i don't want to. that exists with someone unlike yourself.'

i can't really enjoy things sexual unless it's with that person. that i crave. adore. need.
anything or anyone other than that is, well, boring. for me. fun to please another, of course. but for me--useless.

so i might as well, right? useless things to me are not useless if not for the other as well. so why not? and keep waiting. for that time when time really does stand still. for both.