what do i say to you

when you refuse to acknowledge my existence?

from most important to nothing? that quickly? did i truly harm you? did i do you any wrong? you just suddenly can't stand me? or anything to do with me? space? give you space? that's what you want? so you can detatch never to be seen again and here i am again left behind without wishing you were still that woman i love. that i maintain in my mind of you. are you not that anymore? have you evolved so quickly and angrily that you've voluntarily pushed me out of your life?

thanks. but i'm not going to make it that easy for you. i need you. there was a time you needed me too.

ani difranco knows me

[i am out here studying stones/
trying to learn to be less alive/
using all of my will/
to keep very still/
still even on the inside/
i've cut all of the pertinent wires/
so my eyes can't make that connection/
i am holding my breath/
i am feigning my death/
when I'm looking in your direction/

'course numb is an old hat/
old as my oldest memories/
see that one's my mother/
and that one's my father/
and that one in the hat, that's me/
it's a skill I'd hoped to abandon/
when I got out on the open road/
but any more pent up emotion/
and I think I'm gonna explode/

there's never been an endeavor so strange/
as trying to slow the blood in my veins/
to keep my face blank/
as a stone that just sank/
until not a ripple remains/
i am high above the tree line/
sitting cross legged on the ground/
when all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted/
that's when I'm gonna come down/

'course numb is an old hat/
old as my oldest memories/
see that one's my mother/
and that one's my father/
and that one in the hat, that's me/
it's a skill I'd hoped to abandon/
when I got out on the open road/
but any more pent up emotion/
and I think I'm gonna explode]

not quite sure. about anything.

is it because i'm alone? is it because i have nobody who first relies on me? do i have a place to go? do i have a place anywhere? yeah. no family. no home. the only one who knows me has stopped speaking to me. for my own good, she thinks. wait, i made that up, but that's what i believe. she's the one place i could turn, and she no longer exists for me. and that fucking hurts. puts me back in that place that she pulled me out of. that idea that i have nothing nobody no reason that i am simply a pawn in the scheme and not helping anyone. thank you for pulling me out of that place. fuck you for putting me back where i started.

heartless? me? so far from. so fucking far from. i have so much. love. to give. and nobody to concentrate it upon. sure, i can project that love and shine it so that it touches even those whom i have never seen. but i have a special saved portion. that i have always had. and always kept. for somebody. i gave it away once. it was broken and torn and thrown away, but it's back. it's ready to be utilized. i want somebody to give it to. all of it. so concentrated and deep that nothing else will be needed but that love. that's what i want. even if i never get any of it back. i want to give it. all. to someone. feel like i'm wasting my time that i could be giving it. right now. with nobody to give it to. with nothing important in my life. but my ideas. and that hope of what i might be doing for somebody in the future. can't let it die. can't leave this Earth without knowing that magic that i know exists between two people who give their everything to the other.

so much to do in this lifetime. so many beautiful things to do. beautiful people to know. beautiful ideas to explore. but that beauty. when expressed in the name of another. with another. for another. is more than just beautiful. it's that magic. that will sustain me.

about right and wrong.

right. wrong. such a horrible dichotomy. but how else can we view ourselves vs. others? this is similar to my last post, but i've realized a few flaws in my wording. or my organization of idea. this happens often. i haven't actually come upon a new idea or changed my views, but expanded in an organized (i.e. put things into words) manner.

so. no. i am not correct. and no. everybody else is not wrong. but there is this ideal that i keep sacred and i believe that it is the ideal that would benefit all more than any other ideal that somebody else may have created. do i know that i am right? no. but am i as close to knowing as i ever will be? maybe.

the one who knows me best suggested to me that she knows how i view the world. my attitude. she's wrong. so very wrong. but that's ok. because again, that organization and ability to create words for a belief often escapes me, so i don't expect even those best friends to ever understand what i believe. it's mine. it will never be anybody elses.
the strongest point she made was that i hate those who do not think like me. i made the comment that i only hate those who hate. yes, hypocritical, and yes, incorrect. not what i think at all, in fact.

i don't hate people who hate. that would mean i hated my family. who hate those who are different. i don't hate them. it would mean that i hate that person walking down the street with that sign that says 'gays are going to hell.'
but i don't.
i hate that system that they reside in. i hate the possibility of their beliefs existing. and i hate that i am not powerful enough to show more people the light. to show people that the most powerful concept in life, the most amazing thing to discover. that thing that will set us free.

that idea of thinking for yourself. for myself. for ourselves. erase what you think, and create what you know.

alienation lessens the blow

true, isn't it?
pull away, even push away, and things become easier, so it seems.
but do these things actually become easier, or are we just safeguarding ourselves? taking the easy way. seems quite logical, but so fucking stupid.
is not our duty to try and pursue that depth that we rarely reach? maybe never find? see what our minds are truly capable? our hearts? what can we do? who can we reach? where is that 90% of untouched genious? that part of the heart that we only recognize during hurt?

i believe we can find it.
so pushing away. is killing that opportunity. speak without words, listen with no sound. that's what i am here for. to see what i am capable as. as a member of humanity. as an individual friend lover thinker.
i can do more. and i can see but not touch. which excites that frustration that it is indeed untouchable. but i cannot buy that. cannot. i refuse to think that i am incapable of more. not just more but so much more. when i get that glimpse. of other. of else. of different. it is


magic.

we can become magic. we can create what does not exist within the defined. and that is amazing. that is why i refuse to push away, but must push on. must keep trying. even if it is in only the preservation of you. because i see all of this. all of this magic. in me. in your shadow.

and i know i will see it in another's, and another's in mine.

them vs. me

always them.
never me.
how could i blame myself?
everything i believe. is fact.
putting it in words like that may cause you to wonder if i believe i own the world, if i believe that i am better than you and everyone else in this world.
yes and know.
believing = knowing? correct?
they are communicable. interchangable. if a faulter is needed when speaking of personal beliefs and ideas, that belief does not exist for that person.
we are all correct. we all speak fact. but my fact and my beliefs are supreme. to me.
this does not cause me to abhor you.
this does not cause me to walk with my head held as high as i can stretch my neck.
but.
it does cause conviction. belief-knowledge-passion.
isn't passion a direct effect of knowing something and knowing that others do not know the same thing?
isn't most of our life spent in argument? in dispute? for what we know? belief? understand?
why can't we all understand?
why does not everybody understand those fundamental ideas that i know are true? must be communicated?
because we all know.
we all know differently.
and a fact is not only a stat.
although a stat is a fact. it just happens to be something that we all know/believe concurrently.
right?
yes.
right.
exactly my point.

i will stop saying believe.
start using know.
that knowledge will cultivate passion which will call upon action.
which is what we all need.
do.
not just know.
be.
not just do.
live.
doing and being. and knowing.

i know
that i will use my passion
to create action
which will call upon another
so that she may know
which will spur that same passion
and continue this cycle.

until every

last

human

knows

that there is only one answer.


love.

[love is the answer]

one of the most cruel habits of humanity...

is that people fuck with each other for fun.
or power.
some sort of fucked up game that has a winner. and a loser. none of this equal bullshit.
the victim?
she in love.
the guilty?
she once in love.
tis true that we all do it. play games. see how much we can successfully control one another. manipulate.
so if i was once the manipulator i have since been demoted. conquered. fucking cast aside that role of the one in control.
have lost that control. have lost that confidence that yields. captures. understands. power.
is power necessary? yes. well...maybe not necessary. but certain. these games. there is no equal relationship. on micro macro or any other scale to draw a parallel with.
nope.
it's all fucked up.
and so are we all.
the one aspect to it all that really makes it abhorrable, however, is that usually. or i may say...in my case. once that power is realized. the less it is excercized. the power is in the acknowledgement of such. not the excecution of the force.
and that, my friends. my enemies. everyone. is why i am now defeated. failed to use that power when i knew i had it, and when it was lost, was (am being) crushed with the same weight i once held.
congrat u fucking lations.

once again.
fuck you for your untouchable face.
fuck you for existing in the first place.
but.
i still love you.
i still even like you.
i still need you.

but who are you?

right. because i make sense.

oh wait. i don't. not to myself at least. but my conflict at the moment is so ridiculously hypocritical that it really does not exist. because an argument of personal context is no argument if it is not believed.
the argument?
to post or not to post? yeah. yeah. i know. every blogger's first post must include some disclaimer to try and shed all gleams of ego and self-righteousness and explain to the world of blog readers that. well. hear me this. i am not the same as all of those OTHER bloggers who get joy in allowing others to feel their pain and empathize and agree and find hope in common and find joy in common and wait i realized today that i have these thoughts for a reason.
i need to share them.
if only with this dell computer and its monitor's fuzzy animal stickers (yeah. at work. don't ask.).

sensical? to me? tons. maybe you'll follow my thought and i won't and you'll clarify but at that point that thought will have passed and my passions will lie elsewhere. no. same place. at an elevated, more effectual level.
so the argument. of course. to post. to present the opportunity if nothing else to give my something to another. through as simple a gesture as words.
maybe feeling.
maybe everything i have.
maybe that's everything we all have.
we all have as much as another in unique forms.
we are all each other, just put together differently.
experiment that never ends. will that experiment ever succeed?
put those peices together correctly?
give the world that perfect person?
i hope not.
i hope you hope not.
i hope we all hope not.
there are already enough who believe they have already mastered that experiment (or rather, God's experiment. because, well, everything in HIS eyes is perfect. pfff. enough. stupidity.). Let's open our eyes. to here now and future. to make this place. a place for us. the imperfect. who accept our imperfections embrace those of others and move. and do. and be.