31 January 2006

little bit 'o sugar on top

you with a little bit 'o sugar on top would be nice.
so would spain.
me in my dreams would be the norm if today were considered crazy.
but the monotony of doing and being and going here and there - that's not to be seen as crazy.
crazy is the unexplained. the undetermined. the unknown, or reasoned.
place a reason or a logical maze upon one crazy place of being and suddenly you've stumbled upon normal.
we are nothing more than mad creations of irregular habits that we are forced to generalize into the largest possible categories in order to see order -- have something to run our lives by.

i could take last night's dream. [breif synopsis: crabcakes, friends from middle school, and a friend's boyfriend yelling at me for telling off the duck that kept biting me in the sports store, or should i say, the black tie dinner in the fishing section of a sports store]
no explanations can be found in the rational sensical world, but we could all create our own, dampening any intuition of crazy and turning mad into normative.

if our madness can turn to normalcy with simply a chart or social model, how are we not creatures of instinct? habit? control?

we are not in control of ourselves; this way in which we explain ourselves is the governing body. for each of us. free-spirited or otherwise.




i think i can handle that though, as long as there is still allowed in my overtired and underused mind the process which leads us to our conclusions. that second before knowing something or acknowledging a ripe belief. that moment in time where you truly don't know and may be left with a vacant mind but your mind that will soon tell your brain which will tell yourself that you know [now] knows already. and that is cool. we are all keeping things from ourselves. in every moment. and that capability - to undermine and deceive the only piece of existence who knows us - that ... we are growing in intelligence each second we know something that we haven't told ourselves - every minute - leads me to believe that we're highly capable of things we have yet to know....

at least i think i don't know. i might know it by now.



in any case,
people are the spice of life. and please, good patrons, thank those who hold your door, and hold a door or two a day.

09 January 2006

who woulda thought?

that i'd be here now.

in happy places, doing ok things?

who woulda thought?

not me. but probably you. and you. and them. and they.

maybe it's a blessing that i am the only one who can fully appreciate my health in mind body and soul right now. even as i sit here in the most offensive mood i can imagine in my state, i am healthy. and coping. and ok.

and ok.

i know now, that this is my life to live, and it is every bit as important as yours. and his. and theirs. and ours. because i will leave some of me with him and you and them and us and everyone that i value above myself.
i no longer place bets. put value. quantify.

even if i am not fulfilling every inch of my abilities. if i am unwilling to do more...right now.
it is ok. because sooner than later, i will give it all back. i am always giving it back. in the pieces of me that i give to each of you and us and the world, i am being of service. i am forever in service. to the duty of us. there will die no individual without a piece of them left in each they touch. and i am no different.

i recognize that now.
and i thank the powers that be, in body and soul, for pushing me towards the realization-- the realization that i being me and you being you, is more power to the people than any charity dollar that i cursed myself for not giving could possibly be.