i didn't want to listen to my music this morning

minus one day for the following

i wanted to hear your words bouncing around in my head
i think that each time on hit a boundary, i cringed a bit--
maybe minds aren't meant for collision after all. you had me thinking...

jolted awake last night with thoughts all to familiar, all too conceivable.
i sit today. less settled. sit today too far from my setting.
we have it all wrong, we self-rightous collective
we are finite for a reason.
we are given enough time to attain. to reach. to see. everything.
but we are underallowed the opportunity.
i envision a lake
and a simple cabin
maybe our science will marvel at a gas stove and a music player [for special occasions only as my music will have been created in my own mind in this space]
i envision wild literature for entertainment
and grounding memoirs of spirituality
pouring out onto the floor from the small wooden bookcase
i see trees
so many tress
and life
so much life
running and jumping and exchanging sharp glances as far as my eyes two can reach
i sit.
i close my eyes. i smell the pine. maybe maple syrup, too.
i begin to escape. my self leaves my seated being and i begin to wander and discover and see
my mind consumes all else but my fingertips, in which i feel small tingles to remind me of my hands, such powerful tools.
i'm not smiling just yet, because expressions seem warrantless when lost in thought.
and you are there.
and you sit next to me.
and i return. and smile. and smile. open my eyes to see yours. and i know. that you know. you've been where i recently explored. and i want to tell you what i saw this time. though i know it's unnecessary. i can't stop talking to you in this moment. i am still smiling. and we are more the powerful fabric connecting us two than each our own body in this moment.
and we have time. we have any time we care to create and manipulate and mold into our own.
and when we feel our mold can be broken, in our own way, when our clocks say it should be so,
we go out into this world.
we use our power.
we spread our energy.
we have bottled up everything we've devoted our sould to and we give it so freely. with so much conviction for giving, passersby may believe we are wealthy.
we force genuine smiles of those who had forgotten how to create expression upon their face.
we do not scoff at failure.
we do all that we can--
shining, radiating, glowing with everything that we have.
modulated. modulation.
and in this way
in our own time
we save lives.
we save souls.
we spark beauty that may never otherwise have been undressed
we show children. that laughter. is the purest beauty to be had.
and that love. and touch. and acceptance. are life.
and in this way, in our lives, we save the world.
and in this way, we have a purpose.
and in every way that we exist, every place that we travel, every moment that we are.
we have a purpose.
_______________________________________

i know what you are thinking.
that this is not the purpose you spoke of.
that the purpse afore described is simply a ploy to eliminate immediate suffering
so why the suffering
that the purpose afore described may save us all, but for what?
for whom?
if our whole lives must be each dedicated to erradicating evils that be...
why do we not end it all? would not the people of the world be happier, less tortured, if to not exist in the first place?
sure.
but not for us, now.
not for them, someday.
we are on a journey. though some that we may save will never know the journey of which they are nomads, we do.
i know. i know. we will see our destination. because i feel it. and i know. and right now the tears in my eyes which have nothing to do with sadness nor joy are telling me that i. am. not.
alone.
not alone.
in this.
why would i so be teased and tested so if not to one day use the strength gained? all experiences must be one day converted to applied knowledge. including this one. this life. this day.
to see that understanding is conceivable is enough for me to know that one day.
i will.
we will.
you feel it everyday.
i feel it everyday.
since day one. however qualitative the number one can exist is how it is meant in this statement.
i know that it is real. i know that we, collectively, have a purpose that so goes beyong this physical hell and realm of emperical descriptors that even space cannot fathom its form.
a light. a light does not shine if not to be seen. if not to guide. today i felt everyone that i passed by foot. i felt their sadness. i felt some indifference in their soul. in her soul. and yeah. it made me ask myself why, instead of feeding of of that and stopping to give to her some better day, why am i going to class to learn something of no use to me? well, for one, i wrote this, and maybe lack of stimulation was needed for me to have the opportunity to get some of these things on paper. but the day. the class. the everything. is necessary right now. i'll get where i am going, i know that, otherwise i would be going nowhere. a must precede b, and that is how i must justify.
_____________________
but goddammit. godfuckingdammit. i don't want to justify. i don't fucking want to go through the situational motions that will allow me to one day be how i am meant to be. right now. right now. i want to be with you. i want to touch forehead to forehead and exchange silently any piece of anger and frustration that we both have at this given moment until it is gone. so that all that is left for us is positive energy and beauty and without scheduling and appointments and their timeline we could exist in that way until we are ready to leave it. and that is when i see that cabin.
by the lake.
and life.
and this whole story seems to look up once again and i am beginning to accept it once again and i see why i am here right this moment and why here is a part of the grand journey to understanding.
but now.
now.
i remember
that i see that cabin and that lake and you next to me, readying our souls for the world to save, and i remember. i remember that it is an illusion. and i am not there but in this picture.
an illusion.
and i want it to be real.
and my temperature begins to rise again.
and my anger returns.
because i am afraid, as i have said in many words before.
that that illusion will never come into fruition.
because that illusion exists in tomorrow.
and i am afraid of tomorrow.
i am always afraid of tomorrow.